Personal Cross-cultural Insights from a Typical Urban Russian Family

The following is an excerpt of insights from our wonderful interaction with some great people in Moscow. Hopefully it may serve useful to those interested in communicating cross-culturally with the great ethnic group called Russians.

          On a cold Sunday evening back in February of 2009, we sat in our little apartment on the 20^th floor of a large high rise building in Moscow, Russia, to share a meal of Papa Johns pizza and salad with our neighbors. Because Moscow is a megacity, its residents tend to come from an urban background and with a global perspective. Andre was a 40 year old man native to Moscow, working in a small company that grounds the electrical systems in buildings in the city. Typical of a Russian man of that generation, Andre is the head of household and is registered to the apartment. Although private ownership of real estate in Russia is still rare, Andre does own a dacha or summer house and a car. Andre finished college with a degree in engineering and has a stable vocation in Moscow. His wife Olga was a 35 year old woman, originally from a city in Siberia, but she was now a homemaker in Moscow. Olga also typifies the women of her generation in her ideas and thoughts. She has a degree in engineering from a Russian technical college, but she has chosen to not work outside the home. Their daughter Daria was 12 year old at the time and in the 5^th grade. Generally a straight A student, she did admit to making a B before. Daria dresses mostly in Russian clothes, but with Moscow’s openness to the West, she came to our apartment in Levis bluejeans and an American rock group sweatshirt. After the meal conversation, made up of small talk about family, the week’s activities, and a brief survey of differences between the Roman Catholic Church and Russian Orthodoxy, our conversation turned to a series of questions about themselves and what they considered would be typical answers for most Russians their age. 

          We talked about the concept of "community" and "family." The family in Russia is monogamous by law. Most families are established by legal weddings early in life (around the age of 18 – 20). Because property is so scarce, the family typically comes to live with an older relative until either property can be passed on or additional property can be applied for and received from the Russian government. Most families do not own their own properties, and in many cases, multiple families still live in one apartment, sometimes in one room.

Families in Russia are patriarchal according to Andre and Olga. The father in the home played the formal head of household role up until the 1990s, but after 1991 many homes dissipated into a fatherless home. Drinking plays a role in this, but with a divorce rate of 70% and now many people waiting to get married until their in their 30s, homes see less of a patriarchal leadership and more of a grandmother-led home. Andre, specifically, finds this repulsive and seemed ashamed to admit the figures.

From 12-year-old Daria's perspective, the main decisions are made by the husband but with a joint consultation with the wife. However, when asked to whom she would go to seek forgiveness, she responded very quickly with “Mama”. It seems that the father gives final approval on things, but the mother is the source of forgiveness.

The typical Russian home today is made up of a grandparent at least 25 years older than the parent who is likely 25–30 years older than the child. Usually there is no grandfather, since the statistical age of death in Russia for men is 54 years old. Most relationships internally are congenial with most fighting occurring between families who live in the same house. Most arguments are settled legally by police.

           There are ways to identify cousins and distant relatives, and most Russians consider even fifth cousins to be close relatives. These relatives, although, they may live in distant cities, try to visit each other and call frequently. According to Daria, families are supposed to support its members, and that should include distant relatives.

Traditionally, families support themselves by both husband and wife working. Olga is not typical in that she stays at home with her husband able to make a living for the entire family. In such non-traditional homes, the father is expected to be the bread winner while the mother may or may not work. However, both Olga and Andre acknowledge that almost every adult works in Russia today.

Death, marriage and other life changes are seen as natural parts of the life process, so it is really more of an adjustment to the change that is required. If a grandmother dies, the property is reregistered and the family begins a religious ritual of prayers for her soul for the next 3 months. If a breadwinner like the father dies, then the family adjusts by reallocating responsibilities and perhaps another higher-paying job is sought. This is not the way it used to be a few years ago, in that the government of the past played a larger role in the social care for families. Today, though, much of these adjustments are handled in house with the family.

Andre mentioned that the family and country are so closely connected that it is the responsibility of the family and school to teach a child his heritage. This is understandable when you consider that a child typically spends up to 12 hours per day in some type of government schooling. Andre said the main two elements of heritage today are a love for parents and a love for country.

One interesting story that Andre told was how his mother passed along her family religious heritage to him even under communist repression. During a time when religious expression would bring down swift governmental punishment, Andre’s mother passed along her Orthodox faith to him privately at home. He was told that whenever he passed an Orthodox building, as was the custom of devout believers, he must take off his hat, bow and cross himself with three fingers. She told him that even though he could not do this in front of anyone, he must do it internally.

Daria said she typically received outside news from her father. Perhaps this is because he works outside the home, but Andre said fathers are the ones who discuss the larger topics of politics and societal change with other men. Women tend to deal with smaller topics like religion and home.

Inheritance in Russia is almost nonexistent. Properties are not owned but are allowed. If a parent dies, the child will apply for that property to be registered in his name. If the child doesn’t do so in a timely manner, the property reverts back to the state’s ownership. Smaller items like clothing or appliances are usually handled with government intervention, but if there is a large estate, the government will intercede with the distribution of those items. It has been only recently that families could privately own apartments, a shift from the days of the communalka where multiple families were forced to live in one apartment.

One interesting point of discussion was the American acceptance of marriage between distant cousins. This is not the case in Russia. By law, a man from a small village cannot even choose a wife within that village but must travel to another village to have a legal wife. Most children experiment with sexuality at the legal age of consent, which is 14 in Russia. At some point there will be a time of living together in a parent’s home, but interestingly, many who marry choose to continue living in separate parents’ homes. This is to secure rights of registration once the parent dies so that there will be a claim to property and residence. 70% of all marriages in Russia end in divorce. Another interesting note is that women consider it a necessity to have a son by the age of 25-30 so that there will be a man to take care of them in their old age.

Corporal punishment is allowed in Russia, but most of the time families use words instead of hands. There are no laws against spanking, but most families use shame as a motivation for obedience rather than spanking. This is the same in schools as it is at home. Discipline is still seen as a public responsibility, so strangers may deride or humiliate others’ children. They also will sometimes praise their works, but usually this is seen as a potential source of pride and would therefore create a bad omen.

Families in Russia observe religious and government holidays, which are very frequent. The main religious holidays are Christmas on January 7 and Maslenitsa (before Lent) and Easter in the spring. New Year’s Day is a big holiday as is International Women’s Day on March 8, Victory Day on May 9, Russia Day on June 12, Unity Day on November 4, Fatherland Defense Day on February 23. Families typically will visit friends or visit museums on these days. Andre had just taken his children to a museum presentation of the Samurai of the Far East right before this interview was conducted.  

According to Olga, the father’s authority in the family is "falling away." Because of alcoholism, many father figures are disappearing. 2008 was named the year of the family in Russia, but this is only a government attempt to deal with the declining population in Russia. Andre says it is because of democracy in Russia that the family is in decline. "Under communism, fathers were not allowed to abandon their families," he said, "but now in Russia we even have gay rights. It is a shame." Andre also says that the American mass media has affected the moral standards of the former USSR. Over the past 10 – 15 years, ideas about individual success, education and career have replaced societal bulwarks such as country, collectivity and progress. This is seen as a detriment to the family in Russia.

Families today usually care for an animal in the home. Olga says that people today tend to care more for their animals than they do for their children. Also interesting was both Olga’s and Andre’s evaluation of “the typical Russian family.” Under socialism, there was a typical family stereotype filled with morality and patriotism. Now, a typical Russian family does not exist. The nation has swelled to 30% Muslim population, so the old Soviet family in Russia has disappeared. Under the Russian Empire, there was a National Country; under Communism, there was the International Country; today, it is unknown what kind of country exists. Because country and family are so closely related in so many spheres, Andre blames America and "the Jewish influence" in Russia.